Thoughts after a Tantrum..

I wrote this blog when I was up late one night back in April 🙂 …

So my heart has thrown a bit of a temper tantrum these last weeks… and the Lord has shown me MUCH through it…(Bless my Daddy for His mercy, His patience, & His strength when I am weak..) Here’s a few thoughts about things that have long brewed in my spirit and soul through a battle of pain, bondage, rage, repentance, release, and –  ultimately – freedom.

I am angry.

yes I AM angry.  I am angry at the enemy. I AM angry at sickness & cancer. and at times, yes – i find myself angry at God…but that one doesn’t last too long as my heart gives in to Truth.

Everyday I speak life and light and the victory of the Blood in my body. because healing IS mine – it was won at the cross and personally promised to me by my Beloved. and it is His nature to heal, to make us whole. Do I believe I have it, that it is ALREADY mine? YES! Am I healed where I am seated in the heavenly places? YES! Has the Word of the Lord gone forth with the power to complete it? YES!

yet has it fully manifested in my body? NO.

I can’t live in denial of the earthly side of that coin: that my body still fights cancer, that the healing which is complete has not manifested in this time frame yet- if I denied that part of the truth, then why keep asking? why contend?
Yet Jesus said to “always pray and not give up.” and Jesus sees the emotional side of the journey as legit. Good-hearted Christians will sometimes tell you that having a good venting session is giving the enemy a foothold; WRONG. While we do NOT want to live in a pity party or dwell on negative & hopeless thoughts (which does give Satan a foothold) God GAVE US EMOTIONS & we must work through them.

King David felt confidence in his relationship with the Lord and in his own spiritual standing & authority to cry out to the Lord, WITHOUT fear of giving the enemy leverage.  YET He always came back to the GREATER truth, the Kingdom perspective – that while He felt abandoned & beaten by the enemy, His heart SHALL rejoice in His salvation! Ps 13 =  PERFECT example. Take Jesus Himself in Jn 11. He KNEW Lazarus’ story would end in life and yet He was “moved” in His soul and WEPT. Why weep when you know you’ve won? Because we’re human. We’re weak. We’re DUST…

Yet does this mean i wallow in pity and negativity & words of death? NO NO NO. In the practical everyday-ness of a war like this, God DOES give me a choice to live or die, whatever His will is, and if all I do is speak death and choose to sink and STAY in depression and defeat, that is what I’ll get. It’s called free will. And while in all honesty, I’d probably be happiest at His side as soon as possible, He has told me He is not done with me yet here. So I’m choosin’ life.

We’re human. We hurt. We cry. We rage. We fall. And He picks us up. Temper tantrums show us where our hearts are. Show us our He can be strong. 🙂 If i could say all the right things all the time, earn up enough faith to make the healing happen – well then it would be ME doing it. it would be EARNING my healing, EARNING my restoration..

and I could never do it. As i could never earn my salvation – i could never be so righteous. only by the Blood. 🙂

And the longing? the brokenness? the agony of crying out to the Lord for deliverance time and time again when the light seems completely out of reach…while He is always the God of comfort, and by faith we must take comfort in His Truth of a greater Reality then we experience and see now,  He allows the pain. the suffering (though I have not known true suffering). the crying out –
That we would learn that we truly have NOTHING else but Him. No other hope.
That we would learn to love & live in WHO HE IS..not what He does or doesn’t do.
So what do I do? I love Him. Seek Him. Scream at Him sometimes. Repent. Scream at the enemy more.

and I ask. I ask. Knock. and WILL…

and DO…

receive. 🙂


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